Doorkeeper

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness. -- Psalm 84:10b

I've always wanted to be a world changer, to do something great for God. Anything less seems like a waste of time and energy.

When I was younger I went on several mission trips with dreams of becoming a missionary. Not a single salvation can be attributed to my presence there. Holding on to thoughts of helping the less fortunate, I thought about pursuing a career as a doctor. I had plans to take some classes in this field at the local vo-tech. However, I didn't meet the age requirement and was diverted to an engineering class (looking back, I'm pretty sure it was for the best).

I've gone on reading books about radical Christianity, wondering why can't we just give our all and do great things for God right here in our towns. Seems like there is just so much we could do if we just were not afraid / not selfish / more compassionate / [insert missing component here]. There's always something holding me back it seems. And so, I live in a constant state of failure.

____________________
"Better a doorkeeper..."

Last year, this phrase started playing over and over in my mind. I'm not sure why. Perhaps God was trying to tell me something. Every once in a while the words will come back: "Remember...better a doorkeeper..." These words would come to mean so much to me.

____________________
"I'm willing to serve, but on my terms."

Coming to Norman, I had my own ideas of how I would serve God. I was going to start community, get involved in church, help the less fortunate, start my writing career. These were my plans. A year later, there is no community and my church attendance is erratic at best. I did find a food pantry to help at occasionally, but none of this was how I dreamed. I still feel like I'm sitting here idling.

I wanted to change the world from my little apartment. Or at least my town. Or even just the apartment complex. Seems I can't even get to know my neighbor. My plans had fallen flat. When you get right down to it, I was trying to impress God. "Look, God, at how much I can do for you!" When we seek to impress or call out for attention, we forget who God made us to be.

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"If I cannot step outside these four walls to be a blessing to people, then I will be a blessing to others from within these four walls."

I wrote the words above as I struggled with the failure of my plans. The truth is I'm not an outgoing person. I am more comfortable typing than talking. That's how God made me. It is not for me to rebel and say "Why didn't you make me like him or her. Why didn't you make me so that I could do this or that." God has given me talents--I can choose to use them or bury them as I despair over my failure to do things I was never meant to do. I can scold myself for not walking up and talking to a stranger or I can use my energy to write a note to a friend.

The problem is my pride. I want to do something that I see as great, that will earn a name for me or make me feel fulfilled, like I've done something that really mattered. And so, "Great" becomes the goal. A doorkeeper isn't good enough.

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"Some days the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that I have made a difference in somebody's life."

This is the one thing I keep coming back to. I may have made a failure out of all my projects, all my schemes of greatness. But I know that I have made a difference in somebody's life. And for that it is all worth it.

That's what it means to be a doorkeeper. To live without worry of how you measure up to the standard, of how "great" your deeds will be, of how you will measure up to other believers--but simply be light. I would rather make a difference in one person's life than speak to thousands who simply nod and applaud.

Whatever you have to offer, however insignificant it may seem--give that. Don't try to give what you don't have or to be someone else. Just do what you can, day by day. Let go of pride. Be the least. Be a doorkeeper.

Still God's Grace (Piano)

I've finally got my digital piano connected to my computer so I can start recording some of my songs. I have here one of the earlier songs I wrote: Still God's Grace. It's a simple song about how no matter what tune our life follows, God's grace is always there in the background.

I put the words below. I can't sing myself, but I don't think figuring out how to put them together should be too hard--the words match the melody almost exactly. Hope you enjoy =)

Chorus:

Still God's Grace

Flows from His throne

Forgiveness to

the one's He loves

Just trust in Him

He will lead you home

It's a walk of faith

Just keep moving on

Verse 1:

Sitting at home

Walking along

Wherever I go

Singing my song

Working the field

Doing my chores

Day after day

Serving my Lord

Chorus

Verse 2:

Sitting with friends

Talking about

God's amazing

love for us

Hear the rain

See the grass grow

How much more does

God care for us

Chorus

Verse 3:

Temptation

Misdirection

Mistakes made

Idols raised

Why can't we

Get it straight

Follow with

All our heart

Hearts broken

Churches split

Families

Torn apart

Where are you

When we fall

Rescues us

Father, father

Chorus x2

Grace

I hope you found some encouragement from my recent rants. I kinda went a little crazy with the posts because I feel like for the first time God has given me words to express ideas that have been rattling around in my head for about a year now--ideas about the Kingdom and exile and what it means to chase after God.

You might be wondering, "Does he really believe all that?" And my answer would have to be yes and no. I believe it in my head, but putting it into action is a different story. I like my comfort zone. I am a work in progress. But you know what? God can even work through our doubt.

Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"
-- Mark 9:24

Really, I think God is chasing us, trying to win our hearts to Him. Our seeking after Him is a response to His love. He starts the work and you can be sure that what He starts He will be faithful to complete. So, if you struggle with doubt like me, take courage--our God is faithful and compassionate.

So often I get caught up in trying to be a good Christian/Messianic/Jew (or whatever), trying to do the "right thing to do." I get this idea that radicalism somehow impresses God. That's not relationship. That's religion. And it will always fail.

Give up the idea of being a good person. That way of doing things revolves around self, around your goodness. It's like I said in the beginning, you can't love if you are focused on your ability to love people.

I heard a Torah teacher give the example of a man who thought he was a good husband. His wife was miserable, but he was content because he said all the right words and did all the right things to be a "good husband." Do we do that with God?

Are we so focused on being a "good bride" that we miss the relationship? Do we become satisfied with our ability to do all the right things that we don't hunger for God? Or do we become so obsessed with our own inability to be the perfect bride that we are blinded to God's love for us?

Some will read this and immediately set to work on trying to figure out the formula for a "good relationship." Stop. Don't rush off so fast into another set of rules or formulae, trying to do things the "right" way. Instead just stop for a moment and realize this: God is your Creator, your Father, your Husband. He wants to get to know you--the real you. Not the show that you put on for Him. He wants to know your desires, your dreams, your fears, your insecurities. And He wants to share His heart with you.

He knows your doubts. He knows your struggles. Not just intellectually--He has experienced them Himself. In the wilderness, Scripture says He was tempted by Satan. God understands our temptations. At the tomb of Lazarus, it says He weeped. He understands our sorrows. In the garden of Gethsemane, our Messiah cried out "Father, take this cup from me!" He understands our struggles. And so, it is not as if we must reach up to heaven to find this God so far above anything we could imagine. He walks with us, by our side, day by day.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 
 -- Hebrews 4:15-16

If you're struggling with loving God, stop for a moment and remember His love for you. A love you don't have to earn. Be honest with God about your struggle. Don't "pray", just talk to Him. He will listen.

Return to "Days of Awe"

Some Things You Don't Have To Do To Earn God's Love

Kinda inspired by Brant's "Here's Some Stuff You Can Do Before Going To Hell", here's a list of things you don't have to do to impress God or earn His love. Cause it seems that I continually find myself trying to.

- Read your Bible every day
- Pray every day
- Post inspirational or religious quotes to your Facebook wall
- Listen to only Christian music
- Avoid television
- Avoid "wasting time"
- Overcome all your struggles
- Make it through one day without sinning
- Figure out the meaning of life
- Have social skills
- Know the right thing to say
- Be the perfect friend
- Understand how salvation works
- Understand how to keep all the commandments
- Memorize Scripture
- Get emotional during worship
- Go to church
- Make sure everyone else knows "the truth"
- Be disciplined in life
- Be successful
- Add a religious spin to everything you do
- Speak only in Scripture
- Look righteous
- Give away all your worldly possessions
- Become a missionary
- Become a pastor or Bible teacher
- Stand up for a cause
- Change the world
- Feel guilty
- Feel forgiven
- Feel close to God


God doesn't love you for what you do or how you feel. He loves you for who you are. His child.

Beloved of God

I heard Jason Gray on the radio the other day talking about his song "Remind me who I am." The inspiration of the song came when he was thinking about sin and why we sin. Jason describes sin as an "addiction" or an attempt to satisfy our hunger for significance. We want to feel "loved, desirable, and worthy." So, "We run to affairs. We surround ourselves with symbols of status that we hope will convince us of our worth."

If only we could learn to run to Christ, the One who calls us His beloved, His bride, the child that He chose to welcome into His family. We would hear Him tell us that we are enough because He says so. We would hear Him call us His treasure, and we would come alive. -- Jason Gray

Our worth does not come from what we do or what we think. We cannot earn the love we so earnestly desire. When we look to the world or look to ourselves for fulfillment, we will be let down every time. But when we look to God--He calls us beloved. He calls us beautiful.

Consider that for just a moment.

When you mess up. When you struggle with sin and temptation. When you act like a hypocrite. When you speak out of turn and when you cause hurt. When you stumble and fall and bring shame to the Name of God. When you feel worthless and deserving of hell. There is forgiveness and mercy--you are the beloved of God.

No matter how much you know. No matter how many mysteries you have solved. Now matter how well you can recite Scripture or read Hebrew. No matter how strict your standards or how perfect your observance. No matter how close you feel to God. None of that matters. God created you and He loves you as His treasure.

How often I forget this. How often I feel like I need to do better, I need get my life straight so that God can use me. There's always something I'm missing, somewhere I'm failing. And then I find a bit of knowledge and shout "I got it right!" when in reality it is God who chose at that time to reveal a piece of Himself to me. I forget that as a friend once told me, "I know nothing more and nothing less than what my Master has revealed to me."

I'm finally starting to understand why the church repeats the Gospel so much. We need to hear it often. We need to be reminded of our inadequacy and of His abundant love and mercy. We cannot earn God's love nor do we have to. We need to be reminded of who we are--the children of God, the beloved of our King.

Forgiven, beloved
Hidden in Christ
Made in the image of the Giver of Life
Righteous and holy, reborn and remade
Accepted and worthy
This is our new name
This is who we are now...
-- Jason Gray, "I am new"

Surrender

My grip tightens. My resolve strengthens. And slowly everything I care about slips away.

Let go.

My hands slowly relax. I look to Him who gives me peace. My life falls away. I lose focus--I reach out to catch all the things I let go of. Frantically, I try to grasp at my fleeting ambitions.

Hand it all to me.

My eyes lock with His. My trust is in Him. Slowly I begin to hand pieces of my life to Him. He takes them. He molds them. I cry out "No! That's not what I wanted!" I reach out to grab my life back. And as I pull, they tear. My hopes. My dreams. Torn. My fears. My frustrations. My bitterness. My life--broken. And He says to me,

Will you trust me? My ways are higher than your ways. My plans are greater than your plans. I can take your life, your love, your hatred, your ambition, your fear--I can take all the broken pieces and turn them into something greater. But you have to give it all to me.

Broken, I hand Him what is left of my life. As He begins to work, I begin to see Him work wonders in my life. And as I see my life restored, I feel empowered to take it back. But He gently reminds me that I am His. Reluctantly, I surrender. My hopes and my fears. My friends and my family. My hands and my heart. I place it all into His hands.

Father, sometimes surrender feels like the hardest thing in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in the middle. Father, help me to trust you.