Grace

I hope you found some encouragement from my recent rants. I kinda went a little crazy with the posts because I feel like for the first time God has given me words to express ideas that have been rattling around in my head for about a year now--ideas about the Kingdom and exile and what it means to chase after God.

You might be wondering, "Does he really believe all that?" And my answer would have to be yes and no. I believe it in my head, but putting it into action is a different story. I like my comfort zone. I am a work in progress. But you know what? God can even work through our doubt.

Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"
-- Mark 9:24

Really, I think God is chasing us, trying to win our hearts to Him. Our seeking after Him is a response to His love. He starts the work and you can be sure that what He starts He will be faithful to complete. So, if you struggle with doubt like me, take courage--our God is faithful and compassionate.

So often I get caught up in trying to be a good Christian/Messianic/Jew (or whatever), trying to do the "right thing to do." I get this idea that radicalism somehow impresses God. That's not relationship. That's religion. And it will always fail.

Give up the idea of being a good person. That way of doing things revolves around self, around your goodness. It's like I said in the beginning, you can't love if you are focused on your ability to love people.

I heard a Torah teacher give the example of a man who thought he was a good husband. His wife was miserable, but he was content because he said all the right words and did all the right things to be a "good husband." Do we do that with God?

Are we so focused on being a "good bride" that we miss the relationship? Do we become satisfied with our ability to do all the right things that we don't hunger for God? Or do we become so obsessed with our own inability to be the perfect bride that we are blinded to God's love for us?

Some will read this and immediately set to work on trying to figure out the formula for a "good relationship." Stop. Don't rush off so fast into another set of rules or formulae, trying to do things the "right" way. Instead just stop for a moment and realize this: God is your Creator, your Father, your Husband. He wants to get to know you--the real you. Not the show that you put on for Him. He wants to know your desires, your dreams, your fears, your insecurities. And He wants to share His heart with you.

He knows your doubts. He knows your struggles. Not just intellectually--He has experienced them Himself. In the wilderness, Scripture says He was tempted by Satan. God understands our temptations. At the tomb of Lazarus, it says He weeped. He understands our sorrows. In the garden of Gethsemane, our Messiah cried out "Father, take this cup from me!" He understands our struggles. And so, it is not as if we must reach up to heaven to find this God so far above anything we could imagine. He walks with us, by our side, day by day.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 
 -- Hebrews 4:15-16

If you're struggling with loving God, stop for a moment and remember His love for you. A love you don't have to earn. Be honest with God about your struggle. Don't "pray", just talk to Him. He will listen.

Return to "Days of Awe"

Money, Charity, and Social Awkwardness

Over the last couple of years, with the help of God and friends, I've been able to overcome a little bit of my shyness. There's one area, though, that hasn't been touched. Money.

I've heard lots about saving money, spending wisely, giving to charity, paying tithes and offerings--but I've never really heard anyone talk about the social awkwardness of money. Maybe it's just me, but I get uncomfortable around checks and dollar bills. Whether it's in giving or receiving or buying or selling, I tend to lock up. I don't know why. I just do.

I was in Mexico several years ago and a friend had to remind me haggle down the price. Negotiating money is a totally foreign concept to me. At least at the supermarket, everything is fixed. Just follow the system and you're fine. But outside of that strict business structure, whether bartering in Mexico or dealing with friends and family, the rules are not quite so straightforward.

In particular, I'm talking about giving and receiving charity. There are only two people in the world that I can accept money from or offer money to without getting butterflies in my stomach. My parents. Accepting money from them is easy, because, well, they've been supporting me all my life (thank you Mom and Dad). And as for returning the favor, I know that they would not hesitate to tell me if they were in need, even in a minor way. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay them for all they have done for me.

Outside of these two people, it is quite a different story. I don't have any problem with giving. But offering unsolicited--that's hard. I could say that people should just tell me when they need help. But the fact is that asking that is often harder than offering.

I don't know why money has to be such a big issue for me. I wish that it could pass as easily between us as prayer. Isn't that what James talked about--faith without works? After all, we're all in this together.

Just One Step

The desert before you stretches for miles.

You already feel like you are drowning in sand.

Exhausted, suffocating, you struggle for air.

Panic sets in as you sink into the depths below.

"Help!" you cry. "Save me!"

A hand reaches out and takes yours.

A grip so firm, yet so gentle.

"My child, you drown in fear--it's your own imagination.

Don't worry about getting across.

Just take one step."