Walking On Water

Sometimes the plans we make don't always pan out like we hoped. Like this holiness series I started on my blog for the omer count. For the first two weeks I felt like what I was writing and what I was learning went hand in hand. After that, my posts felt more and more forced. God is continuing to teach me and grow me, but instead accepting that, I try to continue with my own pre-planned agenda.

Today is the 36th day of the omer. Over the last 35 days, I've drafted up two or three blog posts that I never published (and probably won't publish). One's called "My boat" in reference to Peter walking on water with Yeshua. The other is called "Poor in Spirit", the first of the beatitudes. The third one I already deleted some time ago. I bring this up because these drafts were the kind that are written as an outlet for myself rather than a show for everyone else. Both of them center on my lack of faith.

I don't think it's God's power that I have trouble believing. I mean, He created the universe--is it such a far leap to say He can do whatever He wills with it? Nor is it His wisdom. How can an omniscient God not be wise beyond our understanding? I think the part that is hardest to believe is His love.

Why would an omniscient, omnipotent, ever-present God, the King of the universe, whose voice most of the time I cannot hear--why would He care to attend to the details of my life? When I approach Him in prayer, I always hasten to say at the end of each request "not my will, but yours" and then wonder, why am I making the request in the first place if His will is just going to override mine?

A few things God put in my hands these last few weeks: A book about George Muller. He ran an orphanage in Bristol. He started for one primary purpose--to prove that it could be done by solely relying on God. The way he prayed and the way God answered his prayers are just amazing. Everything George prayed for he jotted down in a journal, and then when God answered he jotted that down next to the request. What's most amazing about his story is that he started out in his youth as a crook who thought prayer to be childish. God transformed this man into an amazing example of faith and prayer.

A verse from the book of Matthew: "And Peter answered him, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water'" (Matt. 14:28). Command me to leave the safety of my boat to walk on the unsteady waves? Did Peter seriously just ask God to pull out his safety net, his security blanket from under him? The culture today says "God expects you to take care of yourself." That if we do not build our boats securely, we will sink beneath the crashing waves. That those who say they will walk on the water are either too lazy or too naive to build a sturdy boat. But to intentionally ask God to teach me to fully rely on Him--well, that's a dangerous prayer.

Truth be told, I don't know how to walk on water and I don't know George Muller's "formula" for successful prayer. Most of the time, I don't even know how to listen for God's voice. So, I fall back on what God taught me several years ago: "Even if you fall, I will catch you." Because of that, one thing that I can believe God for is that He will not desert me and leave me to my own devices. That He will not give up on me. And through His infinite wisdom, He will find a way to get through my thick skull and soften my hard heart and get me to a place where I can grow (after all, He knows me inside and out).

Maybe if I stop trying to force my own self-growth plan and let the Father do His work in me. Maybe if I stop trying to figure it all out for myself and just trust Him to guide me. It's like that first year of piano lessons, when you want so badly to play something epically awesome, but instead you feel stuck playing scales and learning the basics. And you just "know" that if your teacher let you jump ahead to the hard stuff that you could do it. And maybe you could learn to play one or two songs like that--but the learning would not be the same. In my efforts to live righteously, it's the same thing. I feel like there's no time to be playing around with the small stuff--that I've got to learn it all at once. But that's not how growing works. Most of the time growth is so slow you hardly even notice it is happening. And this can result in the feeling of going nowhere. That's when you have to trust that God is doing His work in you. Imperceptible sometimes, but very real.

So, I won't despair over comparing myself to Muller or other believers, but thank God for such people and the encouragement I can find in their stories. And I may not know the first thing about walking on water (I'm not sure Peter did either), but I will pray that God will call me out onto the waves so that I may learn to fully trust Him. And when I fall, as Peter did, I know His arms will be there to catch me.

Grace

I hope you found some encouragement from my recent rants. I kinda went a little crazy with the posts because I feel like for the first time God has given me words to express ideas that have been rattling around in my head for about a year now--ideas about the Kingdom and exile and what it means to chase after God.

You might be wondering, "Does he really believe all that?" And my answer would have to be yes and no. I believe it in my head, but putting it into action is a different story. I like my comfort zone. I am a work in progress. But you know what? God can even work through our doubt.

Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"
-- Mark 9:24

Really, I think God is chasing us, trying to win our hearts to Him. Our seeking after Him is a response to His love. He starts the work and you can be sure that what He starts He will be faithful to complete. So, if you struggle with doubt like me, take courage--our God is faithful and compassionate.

So often I get caught up in trying to be a good Christian/Messianic/Jew (or whatever), trying to do the "right thing to do." I get this idea that radicalism somehow impresses God. That's not relationship. That's religion. And it will always fail.

Give up the idea of being a good person. That way of doing things revolves around self, around your goodness. It's like I said in the beginning, you can't love if you are focused on your ability to love people.

I heard a Torah teacher give the example of a man who thought he was a good husband. His wife was miserable, but he was content because he said all the right words and did all the right things to be a "good husband." Do we do that with God?

Are we so focused on being a "good bride" that we miss the relationship? Do we become satisfied with our ability to do all the right things that we don't hunger for God? Or do we become so obsessed with our own inability to be the perfect bride that we are blinded to God's love for us?

Some will read this and immediately set to work on trying to figure out the formula for a "good relationship." Stop. Don't rush off so fast into another set of rules or formulae, trying to do things the "right" way. Instead just stop for a moment and realize this: God is your Creator, your Father, your Husband. He wants to get to know you--the real you. Not the show that you put on for Him. He wants to know your desires, your dreams, your fears, your insecurities. And He wants to share His heart with you.

He knows your doubts. He knows your struggles. Not just intellectually--He has experienced them Himself. In the wilderness, Scripture says He was tempted by Satan. God understands our temptations. At the tomb of Lazarus, it says He weeped. He understands our sorrows. In the garden of Gethsemane, our Messiah cried out "Father, take this cup from me!" He understands our struggles. And so, it is not as if we must reach up to heaven to find this God so far above anything we could imagine. He walks with us, by our side, day by day.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 
 -- Hebrews 4:15-16

If you're struggling with loving God, stop for a moment and remember His love for you. A love you don't have to earn. Be honest with God about your struggle. Don't "pray", just talk to Him. He will listen.

Return to "Days of Awe"

Some Things You Don't Have To Do To Earn God's Love

Kinda inspired by Brant's "Here's Some Stuff You Can Do Before Going To Hell", here's a list of things you don't have to do to impress God or earn His love. Cause it seems that I continually find myself trying to.

- Read your Bible every day
- Pray every day
- Post inspirational or religious quotes to your Facebook wall
- Listen to only Christian music
- Avoid television
- Avoid "wasting time"
- Overcome all your struggles
- Make it through one day without sinning
- Figure out the meaning of life
- Have social skills
- Know the right thing to say
- Be the perfect friend
- Understand how salvation works
- Understand how to keep all the commandments
- Memorize Scripture
- Get emotional during worship
- Go to church
- Make sure everyone else knows "the truth"
- Be disciplined in life
- Be successful
- Add a religious spin to everything you do
- Speak only in Scripture
- Look righteous
- Give away all your worldly possessions
- Become a missionary
- Become a pastor or Bible teacher
- Stand up for a cause
- Change the world
- Feel guilty
- Feel forgiven
- Feel close to God


God doesn't love you for what you do or how you feel. He loves you for who you are. His child.