Grace

I hope you found some encouragement from my recent rants. I kinda went a little crazy with the posts because I feel like for the first time God has given me words to express ideas that have been rattling around in my head for about a year now--ideas about the Kingdom and exile and what it means to chase after God.

You might be wondering, "Does he really believe all that?" And my answer would have to be yes and no. I believe it in my head, but putting it into action is a different story. I like my comfort zone. I am a work in progress. But you know what? God can even work through our doubt.

Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"
-- Mark 9:24

Really, I think God is chasing us, trying to win our hearts to Him. Our seeking after Him is a response to His love. He starts the work and you can be sure that what He starts He will be faithful to complete. So, if you struggle with doubt like me, take courage--our God is faithful and compassionate.

So often I get caught up in trying to be a good Christian/Messianic/Jew (or whatever), trying to do the "right thing to do." I get this idea that radicalism somehow impresses God. That's not relationship. That's religion. And it will always fail.

Give up the idea of being a good person. That way of doing things revolves around self, around your goodness. It's like I said in the beginning, you can't love if you are focused on your ability to love people.

I heard a Torah teacher give the example of a man who thought he was a good husband. His wife was miserable, but he was content because he said all the right words and did all the right things to be a "good husband." Do we do that with God?

Are we so focused on being a "good bride" that we miss the relationship? Do we become satisfied with our ability to do all the right things that we don't hunger for God? Or do we become so obsessed with our own inability to be the perfect bride that we are blinded to God's love for us?

Some will read this and immediately set to work on trying to figure out the formula for a "good relationship." Stop. Don't rush off so fast into another set of rules or formulae, trying to do things the "right" way. Instead just stop for a moment and realize this: God is your Creator, your Father, your Husband. He wants to get to know you--the real you. Not the show that you put on for Him. He wants to know your desires, your dreams, your fears, your insecurities. And He wants to share His heart with you.

He knows your doubts. He knows your struggles. Not just intellectually--He has experienced them Himself. In the wilderness, Scripture says He was tempted by Satan. God understands our temptations. At the tomb of Lazarus, it says He weeped. He understands our sorrows. In the garden of Gethsemane, our Messiah cried out "Father, take this cup from me!" He understands our struggles. And so, it is not as if we must reach up to heaven to find this God so far above anything we could imagine. He walks with us, by our side, day by day.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. 
 -- Hebrews 4:15-16

If you're struggling with loving God, stop for a moment and remember His love for you. A love you don't have to earn. Be honest with God about your struggle. Don't "pray", just talk to Him. He will listen.

Return to "Days of Awe"

Vision

Some things you can't learn directly. Take humility for example. How do you "be humble"? The moment you realize that you have achieved humility is the moment you have lost it. Or patience. Have you ever tried to intentionally learn patience? Your first thought usually is "I need to learn this now." Even something as basic as love. Love is selflessness--it's kinda hard to love while focusing on your own ability to love.

Then there's emotions. I probably don't have to even say anything else here. I'm sure we've all experienced the lack of control we have over our emotions (if, on the other hand, you can't relate to this, you must tell me your secret). I'm not sad when I should be, I am sad when there's no reason to be. I get excited over the wrong things and don't get excited over the right things. And most of the time I don't feel very close to God.

It's a paradox--the more we focus on these things, the less control we find we have. It's like chasing a little kid through the supermarket. The more you chase after him, the more he runs away (and gets into all sorts of trouble).

And so we are told to surrender. Just give up. And we try. Oh, we try so hard. Only to be met by the same paradox. Like being told not to think about something, the harder we try to give it up, the tighter our grip becomes. Sometimes to the point of crushing the very thing we were trying to protect.

About a year ago, I was reading a book by Stephen Covey where he talked about how our lives our directed by where we place our focus. That it is all about perspective. Gain the right perspective and your life will line up--have the wrong perspective and things will fall apart (including the very thing you were focusing on).

I think Covey was on to something. Yeshua said, "The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness" (Matt. 6:22-23). Your eye or your focus is the lamp for the rest of your life. 

You see a similar idea in Judaism. According to their tradition, the difference between this world and the world to come is in the world to come we will see everything as it really is. We will see people as they really are. We will see our actions for what they really are and their full consequences. And that is what will cause us to obey. But right now we are asleep, walking about with blurred vision like a drunk stumbling in the dark.

Where do we need to shift our focus? What will shed light on the world around us? In short, I believe the answer is the Fear of God...but more about that in the next blog.

Return to "Days of Awe"

Our Journeys

Throughout all their journeys, whenever the cloud was taken up from over the tabernacle, the people of Israel would set out. But if the cloud was not taken up, then they did not set out till the day that it was taken up.
(Exodus 40:36-37 ESV)

I don't like change. At least not when I don't have control. I like to hold onto the past.

I lived in the same city for almost 16 years (the same house for 11 years). Then we moved...to a different state. It was exciting, especially as we saw God's plan unfold. But there were things I was leaving behind that I didn't want to let go of. Good things. Like the little Baptist church we attended. The pastor there taught me Hebrew one on one--at no cost. He freely gave his time to teach me. I still miss him from time to time. He has since moved on to a different church.

Our first year in Texas was amazing. We were adopted into the congregation--really, family. We didn't just meet on Sabbath. We got together to play cards, do work, etc. throughout the week. Then I was uprooted from there and taken to college...in a different state. I still miss those times.

I don't like change. I don't like being uprooted after finally getting settled in. I don't like leaving friends and family behind. Going out into the unknown, where I know no one...leaving my comfort zone behind. It's scary. Sometimes I wish I could just stay put and that everything would stay the same. Life is good now, why change it?

But sometimes the cloud moves...and we must follow. It takes us into uncharted territory. Transitioning is often hard. But our Father is in control. Ahead lie greater things...eventually the promised land. This is not our home. When we get settled into a place, it's hard to accept that. But it's a fact--this is not our home. It is simply a stop along the way to where God is taking us. Some steps are hard. Often times we want to look back. Often times we wish we could go back to where the trail was easier. Yet, if I truly consider what it would mean to go back I realize I would have missed out on a lot. It was when I started college that I met one of my best friends--who then proceeded to introduce me to several more now close friends. If I rewound the tape, I would have missed out on all those friends. When we moved to Texas, I found what it was like to have a congregational family. If we never moved out there, I would have missed that.

Change is hard. But sometimes its necessary. And God often has something great waiting on the other side. I still don't like giving up what I have to follow Him. But it helps a little to know that my Father in heaven is watching out for me--and He has a plan. Wherever He leads, I must follow.

(originally posted on facebook on July 30, 2011)

Surrender

My grip tightens. My resolve strengthens. And slowly everything I care about slips away.

Let go.

My hands slowly relax. I look to Him who gives me peace. My life falls away. I lose focus--I reach out to catch all the things I let go of. Frantically, I try to grasp at my fleeting ambitions.

Hand it all to me.

My eyes lock with His. My trust is in Him. Slowly I begin to hand pieces of my life to Him. He takes them. He molds them. I cry out "No! That's not what I wanted!" I reach out to grab my life back. And as I pull, they tear. My hopes. My dreams. Torn. My fears. My frustrations. My bitterness. My life--broken. And He says to me,

Will you trust me? My ways are higher than your ways. My plans are greater than your plans. I can take your life, your love, your hatred, your ambition, your fear--I can take all the broken pieces and turn them into something greater. But you have to give it all to me.

Broken, I hand Him what is left of my life. As He begins to work, I begin to see Him work wonders in my life. And as I see my life restored, I feel empowered to take it back. But He gently reminds me that I am His. Reluctantly, I surrender. My hopes and my fears. My friends and my family. My hands and my heart. I place it all into His hands.

Father, sometimes surrender feels like the hardest thing in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm caught in the middle. Father, help me to trust you.