I May Never Be a Millionaire

Listening to a song called "Millionaire" by FFH and reflecting on life. The song is about all the things that people lift up as their highest goals--money, fame, beauty, adventure. As humans we seek the secret to finding "fulfillment" in life. We seek happiness. Acceptance. Attention. Love. Maybe some of us don't know quite what we're looking for, we just know there has got to be more to life. So we press on, reading books, talking with friends, seeking ever seeking the thing that will complete us.

I'm an idealist. I don't like the idea of just accepting that there is nothing I can do to find the perfect life. Emotionally, mentally, physically--it seems there must be some way bring every aspect of life into order. Some worldview or outlook on life that will allow me to find contentment in everything.

Especially when you've experienced those moments when everything seems just exactly right. There is no burning hunger, no aching pain. Only joy. And though you don't understand it, everything just makes sense. Then the moment fades. "Reality" sets in. Circumstances change. What you wished could last forever comes to an end.

And then you hear that you just need to look to God for fulfillment. The things of this world will satisfy you for a little while, but only God truly satisfies. Does that mean you feel fulfilled when your life is following after God? In my experience, no. I don't feel fulfilled. I don't feel like I've found the secret to happiness. I don't always feel comforted. I don't always feel close to God. Sometimes nothing makes sense. Sometimes the hunger burns. Sometimes the pain just doesn't go away.

There is a season to rejoice and a season to mourn.

There is a season to love and a season to hate.

There is a season to be inspired by the journey ahead and a season to simply pray your feet are taking you somewhere.

There is a season to run with all your might and a season to just fall into the hands of God.

Everything comes in its season until this earth passes away and we finally go home.

That's the hope. That's the promise.

What is the secret to a fulfilled life? There isn't one. You can spend your life pursuing it, but I don't think you'll find it. Then again, I don't have many years behind me yet--maybe you'll prove me wrong. But right now, where I'm at right now in this moment--I believe the only thing we can do is to be there for each other. The good times and the bad times will both come. Knowing that someone is thinking of you, praying for you means a lot. And when you are a friend to someone else, you change their world.

I may never be a millionaire, may never breathe the mountain air. I may never find a happiness that stays or the answers to all my questions. I may never find the perfect job, the perfect community, or the perfect way of living. But I'll be the light of the world. When darkness falls and your candle is dim, I'll shine my light into your life, so that maybe...just maybe you might find a little more hope for today. And when your light burns bright, I will rejoice along with you so that your fire may burn all the brighter.

Free Writing Life

If you read my post "What to write about?" then you've encountered a bit of my free writing. What is free writing? It is sitting down and writing whatever comes to mind without any inhibitions, editing, etc. Just freely writing. Now, technically speaking, "What to write about?" wasn't true free writing as I did have the thought filter engaged and did some minimal editing. But, it was a form of free writing as I had no particular goal or direction--just wrote what was on my mind.

Free writing is a great way to find inspiration. You never know what you'll find buried in your head until you get it out on paper. Usually I don't publish my free writing. This last time was an exception because what came out actually looked publishable (this doesn't happen often). Usually free writing just helps you get your thoughts organized and find a focus for your writing (the next post "The Big Conversation" was a result of the previous free writing).

Now when you combine free writing with the big conversation, the question that arises is Can you free write life? At least that is the question that occurred to me.

Obviously, there are times for planning and acting in an organized manner (free writing a wedding would be a bad idea). But there has to be a balance. Organized writing has more of a tendency to clog the imaginative flow. Free writing is where we get our inspiration and growth. Taking chances, making mistakes--being embarrassingly honest. Usually we don't share this part of our life with anyone but those closest to us. But this is where the seeds that will eventually grow into more presentable, more organized final drafts come from.

Every page has two sides. On one side are the scribbles and sketches that come from a candid outflow of imagination. On the other side are the refined strokes of your story inscribed for the world to see.

The Big Conversation

It all started when you were born and you said hello to the world. Well, it was probably more like screaming hello. At that moment, you entered the Big Conversation. Ever since then, it has been back and forth, speaking and listening, giving and taking, acting and watching, leading and following.

That's the way I see life. It's just one big conversation between all of humanity. Everything I say or do is like a Skype message going out for the world to see. Sometimes these messages mean the world to someone--like a hug. Sometimes they're ignored. Sometimes they add to a person's collection of words and phrases, making them just a little bit smarter. Sometimes they add to the junk pile, just taking up space.

It's also a conversation between man and God. The conversation goes back to the beginning of time when God said "Let there be light!" and behold there was light. Man saw the light, an invitation to the table to fellowship with the Living God. We all have a choice to either enter the conversation or ignore Him. Whether we argue with Him or seek to know His heart, God has our attention and the conversation goes on. But when we ignore Him the conversation stops and life ends. Without the conversation, there is no life.

Just like every conversation, there are times when we lead and times when we follow. There are times when we speak and act deliberately and times life just naturally flows. Your actions are your words, who you are is your story--one thread woven throughout the fabric of humanity, one voice amidst the big conversation.

What to write about? (or A glimpse of my free-writing)

I've been rather delinquent on blogging lately. It's not that my imagination hasn't been working--it's more of I have been focusing my writing efforts in other areas (such as my novel). Plus a pinch of laziness. But still, when I try to write something up for this blog my mind goes blank.

A lot of people just write about whatever is going on in their lives. Well, it's summer. And I'm blogging and brainstorming and weeding in the garden. If you want to read more about weeding in the garden, head over to www.emidrash.net and check out the latest newsletter. As for the brainstorming, that's classified information.

Others like to go all philosophical. I've done that a few times--probably scared a few people. Most of the stuff going through my mind at the moment though is either undeveloped or overdone. There's only so much you can write on the meaning of life.

Then there's poetry. Most of my poetry falls into the last category though, so that doesn't work.

So, I just don't know what to write about. Seems like I've got nothing to say. Which is kinda sad, cause in my view life is just one big conversation. That would make this one of those awkward silences. Unless, of course, you have something to say. I hear that we are supposed to listen twice as much as we talk (two ears, one mouth)...



...you know, maybe I could write about the big conversation. Maybe....

5-Minute Update

Between graduation, moving, gardening, and a wonderful weekend with friends--life has been a bit crazy. On top of that I've started a few new projects within the last month. So, I must apologize for neglecting this blog.

I'm taking a couple of minutes to write this up because I want to tell you about some of the projects I have been working on.

Words Beyond The Lines is my first attempt at professional blogging. I am writing about writing (setting, description, inspiration, etc.). My favorite section in this blog, however, is the anti writer's block--a weekly writing prompt or challenge.

ThinkTorah is a kind of devotional I am putting up on Facebook. Daily readings with questions to go along with each reading. My goal is to encourage people to read and think about Scripture.

Anyway, check them out and let me know what you think. If you get something out of either of these, pass them on.

Awkward...

So, today I'm going to talk about one of those topics that we all think about but never really talk about--the rules of social awkwardness. Then again, maybe I'm the only one who thinks about these things (in which case, this is a little awkward).

Actually, I'm only going to hit a small subset of these rules. To cover them all would require a book. For this post we'll stick to the friend quota.

What is the friend quota? Put simply it is the amount of time you can spend with a friend before you become a nuisance. Ok, so there are a few other variables besides time, but that is the major one. Another name for this is "overstaying your welcome." There seems to be this unwritten rule that you must carefully manage your interactions with friends so as not to become overbearing or awkward. This can create a fear of exceeding the friend quota when we want to get to know a person better or just spend some extra time with a friend.

How much time is too much? Anything more than normal. That is generally the way social awkwardness works--anything unexpected or out of the ordinary has the potential to create an awkward moment. So, you have a friend that you kinda know, but don't spend much time talking to. You start sitting next to this friend in class, joining him/her for lunch, chatting on Facebook, etc. Awkward? Hey, I've weirded people out just by saying hi to them on Facebook once.

Of course, this kind of social awkwardness is worst with people you don't know (which can explain why it is sometimes hard to make new friends). After all, you can't get to know a person when the friend quota equals zero. Add to that the problem of not knowing what to talk about (that's a whole 'nother subject) and you have yourself a mess.

So, you see a classmate eating lunch and you want to meet this person. No particular reason--just want to try to make a new friend. Or you see a stranger playing piano and you think to yourself "He plays piano, I play piano...I should introduce myself!" These situations scream warnings of social awkwardness. And I can't say that there wasn't any. But I know that the friends I made in both of those situations were worth it.

The Illusion of Perfection

I am a perfectionist. In theory that should mean I pay close attention to detail and tweak every aspect of my work until I am satisfied with it. In practice it means I don't start anything for fear of producing something that isn't quite perfect. I can never finalize anything because everything falls short. If you are someone who can relate, there is something you should know.

Perfection is an illusion.
It is an imaginary construct that exists only in the world of mathematics (of course, we live in a world today that think it can explain everything in terms of equations). It deceives us into thinking that somewhere out there, there is one perfect job for you or one perfect soul mate. It has the potential to affect every aspect of life from finding the perfect way to pray to eating the perfect diet. For me it boxes my writing as I try to write the "perfect" essay on a subject.

The truth is that the world is not black and white or even shades of gray. It is full of color and flavor. Yeah, sometimes things end up tasting nasty. But no matter how hard you try, you'll never find the perfect flavor. God didn't create ration bars with the perfect taste and nutrition for us to eat--He created strawberries and melons and cucumbers and steaks and honey. He created variety and gave us freedom to eat from any tree we choose.

Ah, but you already know all that--you just want to make sure your work is mistake free, right? Again, it's an illusion. Back to food, what makes a sandwich mistake free? Is there some sandwich code you must adhere to? Is it simply a matter of avoiding the mustard? Perhaps it means putting on the lettuce before the turkey and never the other way around.

Really, when it comes down to it, there are only two questions to ask: Will your mouth like the taste of it and will your stomach accept it? In other words, will you find joy from it and is it within the moral standards of Torah?

Now it is up to you to decide how extravagant to go with each meal. But remember--this meal is not your last and you can't eat the same thing over and over again (I've tried...even peanut butter and jelly gets old after a while). Experiment, take risks, try something new. Don't worry too much about messing up. If you burn a couple lasagnas, that's ok (just try not to burn down the house).

The point is to never let the fear of imperfection keep you from chasing your dreams. Life is a journey and we are constantly changing and growing, falling and getting back up. The closest we can get to perfection is being true to ourselves today (oh, and staying within those Torah fences).